Relationship Matters

“The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the quality of your relationships.”
― Anthony Robbins

When talking relationships, it would be totally remiss of me to not start with our most important relationship. That is, the relationship we have with ourselves.

The longest and most intimate relationship we will have this lifetime is with our self. And we cannot expect outward relationships to be healthy if we don’t start on the inward one first.

However, this post is not about self love (although I’ll probably talk about it another time!). This post is about those outward relationships, the ones we have with others, and particularly our romantic relationships.

I’d like to share with you some of my favourite tools I use to ensure my relationship is in the best shape it can be. Hopefully they resonate with you.

Loving with understanding – The Five Love Languages

The Five Love Languages book is an amazing resource for you to deeply understand the way you like to be loved and on the flip side, the best way to show love to your partner. Basically, we all like to receive love in different ways – we speak different love languages! The languages are:

  • Affirmations
  • Acts of Service
  • Touch
  • Quality Time
  • Gifts

You can do an online test here and I highly suggest you get your partner to do it too!

Loving with full knowledge – The dirty dozen

Did you know that there are just a few things that are probably going to pop up in your relationship and test you and your partner? They’re called the dirty dozen (+ 1!), and they’re the things that are most likely to derail your relationship.

So what could screw it up?

  1. Money
  2. Kids/Parenting
  3. Sex/Attraction
  4. Time
  5. House Responsibilities/Roles/Decisions
  6. Family (In Laws)
  7. Friends
  8. Health & Wellbeing
  9. Safety
  10. Work/Work Ethic
  11. Communication/Meaning
  12. Arguing/Fighting Style
  13. Habits/Maturity

Don’t be disheartened! Knowledge is power and being aware of the things that are going to trip your relationship up is truly freeing. Plus I’ve got a few dirty dozen antidotes to share with you today.


Number 1: Make your relationship more important than the rules!

Whether these are the rules of society, rules you put on yourself or maybe some old family rules you’re still carrying around, forget them. Hold your relationship to a different standard.

Number 2: Show up like you did at the beginning.

If you show up how you did in the beginning of your relationship there won’t be an end. Make them feel like they’re the most important person in your life. Just like you did when you first began seeing them. Conjure those feelings of new love and wear your rose tinted glasses!

Number 3: Understand that relationships require balance and compromise.

When two worlds merge, things have to be let go of, but remember that this doesn’t mean one person is completely taking over. Give and take. Find the balance that suits you and your partner.

Number 4: Attraction!

When you’re attracted, nothing else matters. There’s an aliveness in the relationship. Presence is the ultimate solution to penetrate a woman. Radiance and admiration is what will pierce a man.

Number 5: Acceptance

If you’re constantly trying to change your partner, what resists, persists. A part of them will always fight against it, even if they want to please you. There will come a point where you will need to put your relationship ahead of the person changing (or maybe this is where you part?).

Number 6: Be silly

Being playful and teasing each other helps neutralise the charge in tough situations. If you and your partner can still have a laugh about the rough times you’ll come out stronger for it.

Loving with consciousness – The 3 C’s and the 3 U’s

Just like we need to know about the dirty dozen, I think it’s really powerful to be conscious of the 3 C’s. These are behaviours, especially as women or someone who identifies with a more feminine energy, we are prone to live out in our relationships. They are:

  • Criticize – we call out faults in a disapproving way
  • Control – we exert force and try to direct behaviour
  • Close – we switch off and don’t let anyone in

I’m sure when I put them like that, you know how harmful these behaviours are in a relationship! But often they are so deep seated we don’t even know we’re doing them. Take back the reins by carefully observing the way you act and making changes where you see the 3 C’s rearing their heads.

The quickest way to shut down a relationship with a woman or someone who leans to a more feminine energy? The 3 U’s.

These three triggers will cause them to close off the relationship: feeling unsafe, feeling unseen or not feeling understood.

So how can you modulate your own behaviour to avoid doing these things? After all, we are really only able to change ourselves and lead by example.

Loving with heart – Toxic habits

There are three toxic habits you’ve got to let go of right now:

  • Blame and Punishment
  • Should and Shouldn’t
  • I/You could have done better

“And still, after all this time, the Sun has never said to the Earth,‘You owe me.’ Look what happens with love like that. It lights up the sky.”
– Rumi

I’ve shared a lot with you today, and I don’t want you to feel overwhelmed. You don’t have to do everything in this post all at once. Pick one thing and flow with it. It’s the small daily commitments that make the big difference at the end of the day.

Remember happiness is not measured by what we have but rather the people we have to share our life with. At the closing of this life we all die alone, therefore cultivating contentment and fulfilment within oneself is paramount. However, life is so much sweeter when we can share the fruits of our spiritual path with those we love and make us laugh. Relationships don’t make the experience they simply magnify it!